Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
