Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
