I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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