i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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