so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize