You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
