my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
