Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
third nipple confirmed
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Randomize
