My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
