Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
