she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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