omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
