tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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