hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
