So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
