my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
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We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
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Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.