nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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