Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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