Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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