but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
