"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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