I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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