I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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