Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
