when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
