I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
