Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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