I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
