Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
