He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
