John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
