Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
