Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
