i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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