He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I wear drunk well.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
