as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
