I wish I only lived at night.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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