if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
