How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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