his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
