I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
