The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
