I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
is wine microwaveable?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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