is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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