Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
