im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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