I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
whose parrot is this?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
