i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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