im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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