So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
