I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
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