How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
