I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
