why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
