a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
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He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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