I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
