Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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