Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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