I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
