My underwear smells like fireworks.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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